


Full of Words I Don’t Know How to Say

by JudeAraya



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2010 Era (Phandom), Christmas, Feelings, Fluff, M/M, Rave Tree, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:47:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27919990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudeAraya/pseuds/JudeAraya
Summary: Everything was soft, couched in perfect quiet. Dan felt suspended in time; he took a mental snapshot and hoped desperately he’d never forget this: their first Christmas together, on the floor with cheap hot chocolate in a flat he didn’t technically live in. Soon they’d have their own apartment and have a second Christmas--perhaps what others might call a proper first Christmas--together there too.Snuggles, sex, and big feelings.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 16
Kudos: 63





	Full of Words I Don’t Know How to Say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Succubusphan/gifts).



> Happy birthday [Jorzuela](https://jorzuela.tumblr.com/post/623402859299569664/)! It was so lovely working with you for PRB and I hope you have the loveliest day. I kinda wrote this in a three hour span so...uh. Quality beware. Many thanks to Amy and Puddle for vibe checking and hand holding!

“ _Jesus fuck,_ I’m so tired.” Dan bent over and stretched his lower back gently. 

“I can’t believe I’m so stupid,” Phil said. Ornaments glittered in the box he was still holding. 

“I mean, I can’t believe you thought it would be assembled, but holy hell man, I didn’t know it would be _that_ much assembly.” Dan leaned over and kissed the top of Phil’s head. Phil abandoned the silver baubles, hands coming to cup Dan’s hips. His hair was tacky with product when Dan tried running his fingers through it. Phil’s forehead was solid and steady against Dan’s thigh. 

“‘M sorry,” Phil said. 

“What’s that?” Dan nudged Phil’s head back so he could hear him. 

“I’m sorry that took so long. I had a whole--I wanted to do something with you.” 

“Phil, I know we’re tired but if you want a fuck you know I’m never too tired--” 

“No, you twatwaffle,” Phil said, laughter a hot puff of hair against Dan’s thigh. “I thought we could sit and watch the lights. Have some hot chocolate and…” 

“And what?” Dan spoke gently; Phil wasn’t often shy or embarrassed with him. 

“I dunno. It’s our first Christmas, just us. I thought it might be romantic. To just watch the lights and enjoy it with each other. Maybe some Christmas music and hot chocolate. It’s stupid.” 

“No, Phil,” Dan said. He got down on his knees and pushed Phil’s hair off his forehead. He marveled, again, how Phil’s face fit so perfectly, cupped in his hands. “That sounds nice.” 

“Sometimes I...I think I’m just too cheesy.” 

“C’mon Phil, you know I am too. Like,” Dan looked away, felt the heat in his cheeks. “You know I like romantic things too.” 

Phil kissed him and closed his eyes. “I don’t know how I forget these things. It’s like...years of feeling weird because I wanted these things and…even after a year with you I still forget sometimes.” 

“You should only ever feel weird for the things about you that _are_ weird.” Dan declared. Pulling Phil up by the hands. “And I like those weird things anyway.” Phil went willingly into Dan’s arms, his mouth opened eagerly under Dan’s lips and for his tongue. 

“Fuck now?” Phil said, voice low and turned on. Dan shook his head. 

“No. You’re gonna go make some hot chocolate, and I’m gonna set up a cozy nest in here.” 

“Dan, it’s late, I know you’re tired.” 

“Not too tired for this.” Dan kissed the tip of Phil’s nose, smacked his butt, and stepped away. Truthfully, he was exhausted. Their first Christmas together deserved something special. Dan wanted to mark every moment of it, take mental pictures, press them into a memory book that would only ever be for him--for them. Phil went back into the kitchen obediently; Dan went back into Phil’s room and gathered up their duvet and pillows. He paused by the bed table, debating, then grabbed their lube and a condom, just in case. Exhaustion was likely to win over horniness. Then again, it was _them_. Dan knew that at his age constantly wanting sex was pretty normal. Their chemistry though--Dan didn’t know if _that_ was normal. If other people in the world met, fell in love, and never grew tired of exploring their partner’s body, the noises they could wrench from them, the pleasure they’d discover would be found with a bite, a lick, an experimental touch. 

He met Phil just as he was setting the hot chocolate on the small table by the tree. 

“Music?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah, okay.” Phil wandered off to find his computer. Dan used their pillows and the blanket to create the best nest he could in front of the tree, backs up against the sofa. He retrieved the drinks and put them on the floor next to where he’d sit--he didn’t trust Phil within an inch of a beverage on the floor. 

Soft music floated from the breakfast bar. Phil flipped the lights off, leaving only the bright white blue of the Christmas lights to relieve the dark. He crawled under the blanket with a hand on Dan’s shoulder for balance, still managing to knee Dan in the thigh. Dan bit back a sharp, sarcastic rebuke. He didn’t mean anything by them, when he poked Phil with his words, and mostly Phil knew that. Now was time for quiet. Phil had confessed he wanted to do something romantic for Dan but Dan knew that part of this was Phil longing for romance he’d wanted to find with someone for years before they’d met. 

“Comfy?” Dan asked once Phil was snuggled next to him. Phil’s head was tucked up against Dan’s shoulder. He nodded. Dan passed him the hot chocolate carefully. He took a sip of his own, humming along to the music for a moment. Everything was soft, couched in perfect quiet. Dan felt suspended in time; he took a mental snapshot and hoped desperately he’d never forget this: their first Christmas together, on the floor with cheap hot chocolate in a flat he didn’t technically live in. But soon. Soon they’d have their own apartment and have a second Christmas--perhaps what others might call a proper first Christmas--together there too. 

Dan set his drink down, searching out Phil’s hand in the blankets. He had no doubt it was their first and that there would be many more. He was nineteen and maybe it was naive to believe it, but Dan just _knew_. Something deep in him recognized Phil, and vice versa. They didn’t talk about it a lot. It was a little scary, when he dwelled on it.

Phil squeezed his hand. Dan tilted his head to meet Phil’s eyes. 

“What are you thinking?” Phil asked. 

_That I love you_. 

Dan shrugged. They said it to each other, sure, but not always when it felt so unstoppably huge. Dan thought sometimes that it existed outside of himself and he’d somehow lucked out and wandered into it. He leaned in and pressed his mouth to Phil’s. Right then, expressing it was too much, he was too fragile under the weight of what the words meant. But if he couldn’t say it, he could show it. 

Phil pulled him down so they were flat, moving them so their feet wouldn’t kick the tree. Dan climbed on top of him, blankets all tangled. They laughed and sorted themselves. Dan insisted on keeping it over them, reticent to leave this warm, safe bubble. He kissed down Phil’s neck, unbuttoning his shirt and working it off. Every time Phil’s hand grabbed him, or moved to pull Dan in a bit rougher, Dan would take his hands, kiss his palms and shake his head. He wanted to go slow, to enjoy Phil. To imprint this moment into Phil’s skin. To make sure he too would always carry the memory of this night with him. 

Naked and plastered together, sweating and so, so close, Phil got his hands around Dan, pulling him closer with wide palms cupping his ass. Dan fumbled for the lube he'd brought, surprised at how cool and fresh the air outside the blanket was. He sucked on Phil’s collarbone, low and gent, working the lube between them. Phil’s legs were spread, cradling Dan between them. His thighs shook as he thrust up, and pulled Dan against him harder, cocks sliding against each other and their bellies. Dan wormed his hands under Phil’s back, cupping his shoulder blades so they would be as close as possible. 

“ _Dan,_ ” Phil whispered, desperation edging his voice. He was close just from some naked grinding, sweat slick and not quiet coordinated. _Dan had done that_. Dan could do that as many times as he wanted. He caught Phil’s lower lip between his teeth, cutting off anything else Phil might say. Phil’s fingers slipped between Dan’s ass cheeks. The mere suggestion of it, of how it felt to be fingered by Phil, the times Phil fucked him and it felt so, so good, whipped pleasure up and through Dan before coiling deep in his pelvis until suddenly he too was close. 

“Together?” Phil said. Phil had a thing for coming together Dan didn’t quite understand, but he sure liked to try it because it _did_ it for Phil. And Dan...Dan would do almost anything for Phil. His lips met Phil’s, a kiss uncoordinated and sloppy; Dan nodded and Phil arched up, then worked a hand between their bodies. Dan’s toes curled at the touch of his hand. 

“Phil,” he whimpered against Phil’s wet lips. He couldn’t not say it then, couldn’t not be sure Phil knew how Dan felt, always. “I love you.” 

Phil shuddered and came with a low grunt, hand tightening around Dan’s cock and Dan was coming so hard he saw stars. 

Phil’s hands shook after, tracing lines up and down Dan’s spine all through the aftermath. Dan’s heart pounded, and under his ear was the gallop of Phil’s heart. Dan’s eyes stung. He squeezed them shut and kissed Phil’s chest. Their bellies were tacky with come. Lit only by the faerie lights on the tree, Phil’s blue eyes were dark and unreadable, nose casting a shadow over a cheek. 

“Hi,” Phil said. Dan traced the shape of his lips, reading the smile with his fingertips. 

“Hey yourself,” Dan said, then yawned hugely. 

“It’s probably past four now,” Phil said. 

“Don’t care.” Dan pecked his lips. He pushed the too-big feelings back down. Phil already knew and now that they weren’t in the moment, Dan felt too exposed, too vulnerable. He peeled them apart and rolled onto his side, facing Phil. “Worth it. First fuck in front of first Christmas tree?” 

“Dan,” Phil frowned, rolling on to his side. His fingers ran through Dan’s sweat curling hair. “It’s alright, you know. With me.” 

Dan shook his head. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, berk.” Phil touched Dan’s lips, then his shoulder, trailing shivery touch all the way to his hand. Phil threaded their fingers together and brought their hands up to his own mouth. 

“You’d think, after all this time, it wouldn’t feel scary.” Dan closed his eyes. 

“I guess so. But….I’ve never felt like this in my life. I didn’t know I _could_. I mean I wanted someone, and to fall in love, all the good shit that goes with it; Christmas and birthdays and not caring who farts in front of who and being annoyed over mess.” 

Dan laughed. “Your mess, you mean.” 

“Sure. Someone to get mad at me but still love me like you do? That was the dream, yeah?” 

“Phil,” Dan said, soft and a bit lost for words. 

“I didn’t know it would be like this though. I know it’s...hard to say it.” 

“Yeah.” Dan squiggled closer to Phil. “Even when I try but can’t...I dunno. I know you’d like, never hurt me. But...”

“Other people have,” Phil said softly. 

Dan nodded. Yeah, okay, he’d never felt this way for other people. But Dan did feel things in a big way. It was just his nature. He’d been hurt a lot by others, had that nature turned against him. Found himself terrified of vulnerability. Now he had Phil. At first he’d thought it was all going to be fine, that he’d be able to show Phil all of his squidgy ugly parts, all of the scarred and tender pains, all of the really big things he felt. Sometimes he could. Sometimes it was natural. Other times, though, the things he felt were _too_ big and vulnerability scared the shit out of him. 

Phil, lovely astute Phil, saw those moments. Felt them with Dan. Gave Dan space to sort himself out while also letting Dan know he was in a safe place. 

Dan tilted, pressing their foreheads together. He took a fortifying breath, knowing he was naked in every way right in that moment. 

“I really fucking love you, Phil Lester.” 

“I know,” Phil said. Dan giggled. 

“Best first Christmas together,” Dan said, pressing a kiss against Phil’s forehead, then another on the bridge of his nose. Phil tilted his head to catch Dan in another kiss. 

“Yeah.” Phil said. It wasn’t poetry, and it wasn’t a declaration of love. Still, it was everything Dan needed; love unspoken but always known; space for words, knowledge of meaning without them.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed, comments feed my inner creative beast. As do [reblogs](https://judearaya.tumblr.com/post/636786183001817088/) on tumblr! And of course, go with the Jorzuela a happy birthday, bc she works SO HARD for phandom and makes it a lovely, lovely place.
> 
> title credit to Shawn Mendes new song Piece of You (okay the album came out today and I've listened to it three times in a row and I wasn't even a huge fan of his until I watched his documentary on netflix, I am weak okay).


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